Now go to your room!
Brush your teeth! Respect your grandmother!
Don't smoke my weed!
Look, you got big new money now, Cam.
Lock down the new rules.
Reggie thinks we need a budget.
We just want to make sure you and Uncle Julius and Mom
are on a set salary.
We need to actually find a specific job.
This place that we just got to, it can be taken away from us.
I'm talking about the brand of the man that we building.
Happy Cam. Wholesome Cam. Cam the good.
- I'm just a basketball player. - Not anymore.
This is not cool.
You can't be a top-tier pro athlete without doing stuff like this.
I hate hospitals.
Everybody hates hospitals. Come on.
I like any place with room service.
I like any place with underappreciated women.
Then you do this dying kid's wishes visit
that I didn't know we was doing till now.
Y'all told me we was going to a water park.
Look, you drop some jerseys, some kicks,
snap a picture with the kid, you at home on your couch by noon.
Cam, this visit will mean a lot.
The boy doesn't have long to live.
Come on, man.
- That creeps me out. - Me, too.
Kids dying makes me want to tell God to fuck off.
Can you wait till I'm not standing next to your ass?
Enjoy the hospital, y'all. I'm going to a water park.
Hey, when the gift God gave you is getting paid to play sports,
you got to share some glow off that gift.
Just one of the new costs of being Cam.
People just gonna see this as a ploy to get good press.
Yes, but a ploy can still bring people joy.
It's amazing how bullshit sounds coming out of your mouth.
Yeah, God gave Reggie that gift.
Sick people, dying people,
healthy people finding out they're sick,
and sick people finding out they ain't never getting no better, man.
You got sounds of tubes sucking shit out of all the places
you got leaky shit just fucking leaking out of it.
- This ain't my thing, man. - Whose thing is it?
Doctors.
Them sick motherfuckers, all of 'em.
- Thank you, Unc. - True story, Cam.
You bringing this family light at a time of darkness is who you are.
And that is not a ploy, okay?
It's just you being you.
You good.
- Fuck! - Come on. Come on.
- Let's get this shit over with. - There you go.
That's the caring spirit.
Ripped By mstoll
Yo, tell me this kid has eyebrows.
Called ahead. We're good.
Kids without eyebrows will fuck me up.
I know. We prepped.
- You asked if the kid had eyebrows? - Discreetly.
How the fuck do you ask something like that discreetly?
I start by trying not to use the word fuck.
I should fucking do that to Lent.
How the hell a kid get a pro athlete hospital visit
if he ain't got the cancer?
He has a terminal disorder that eats away at his brain, Julius.
Last night we went into a coma.
What the fuck?
Come on, boy, get your ass on that elevator.
I never understood how comas work.
They kind of like zombies.
They just ain't biting and chasing after people.
Just kind of sleeping.
Does it count as a visit if the coma kid doesn't remember?
We delivered on the visit. It counts.
- That's fucked up. - Talk to the lady from the foundation.
Please don't. She's my line sister.
- What's a line sister? - It's a sorority thing.
Oh, do tell.
My friend Heather is at the nurse's station.
So sit tight and I will make sure we're all set.
- I'll help you on that. - Do you have an off switch?
Yeah, it's shaped like a dick.
Ow.
Hey, hey, hey.
The fuck did I tell you about rocking brand names in public?
I thought we was going to a water park.
I was gonna put it in a locker.
None of this swag is cutting you a check.
Sharpie the logos till we close a deal for you to wear this,
especially your shoes.
All right, then close me a sneaker deal.
Hey, Adidas and Under Armour have been in contact.
But until Nike calls, we don't start the game.
I got a good feeling about Nike calling,
especially once Cam Calloway grants a dying kid his last wish. Ooh!
Ah, there she is. Heather B.
- Hi. - Hey.
Cam, this is Heather from the Aspirations and Wishes Foundation.
We so appreciate your visit, Cam. Johnny's not conscious.
I can only take a couple of you in the room.
Do the rest of you mind waiting?
- Not at all. - No problem.
I'll go see if Johnny's mother is ready.
We'll be right here.
Cam, I'm proud of you, baby.
Can I get some money for lunch?
- Yeah. - Thank you.
I know how much is in there.
Then you'll know how hungry we were.
Come on. Come on.
Vanessa, this is Cam Calloway and Reggie Vaughn.
Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much for coming.
Johnny, honey, look who came to see you.
He's a huge basketball fan.
Hey, we're happy to be here.
Well, not happy, but, you know.
Wish we were meeting on different circumstances.
It's been a blessing that he has battled for as long as he has.
Heather's told me about the obstacles that you've had to overcome, Cam.
And it's been a real inspiration to Johnny.
He's such a brave kid.
Well, we heard about his bravery.
We can see it up close.
I just wish he was awake to meet you guys.
You would love Johnny. I mean, everybody did.
I can't believe I just said that.
Everybody does.
Does love him.
Honey, I'm so sorry, okay? I'm sorry.
We're very lucky.
Johnny, he knows you're a great mom.
Thank you.
Hey, so, Vanessa, we brought some jerseys
and a basketball and some game-worn sneakers signed by Cam.
Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much.
Sweetie, look at this cool shoe. And you know what?
You are gonna grow up big enough to fit it one day.
Hey, that's right.
And I'll teach my new friend Johnny here how to dunk.
Really?
Yeah.
Did you hear that, baby? Isn't that incredible?
Johnny, as soon as you're awake,
those dunking lessons can commence.
Hey, would Johnny like a photo with Cam?
- I'm sure he would. - Yeah?
Honey. Johnny, baby.
How would you like to take a photo with your friend Cam Calloway?
His affliction has just been a little hard to handle.
You know, because it just sneaks up on us.
- Yeah. - He's out of the woods
and then, boom, just right back in a ditch again.
I got to tell you, Cam,
your being here has been a real uplift for Johnny.
A mother knows.
Um, yeah, well,
it's been my pleasure, Vanessa and Johnny.
Gosh, you both look so handsome.
Man, I'm telling you, you are a natural.
You brought that woman comfort and hope.
I feel awful, man.
Smiling next to a coma kid all thumbs up
and all I could think about was "Get me the fuck gone."
You did good.
Hey, been looking for you. Here's your wallet.
You think I could get some extra so me and M-Chuck
can take some nurses out for some coffee?
Sure, man. Ask me while my dick is in my hand
- and my wallet's in yours. - Ain't that what I did?
Look, I'm taking an extra 100.
- For coffee? - And cake.
Tip, taxes, and a cab home.
Wish me luck.
No, listen, I'm telling you.
I'm starting this new budget, man. This shit is ridiculous.
All of 'em rolling up on you every day.
Man, I can afford coffee.
- Look at your dick, Cam. - What the hell?
Look at your dick. You happy with your size?
- I never get complaints. - Mm-hmm.
Lop off 50% for taxes.
- Don't I get write-offs? - Not in your dick bracket.
Now, cut off 10% more for advisors like me and your lawyers.
You got to use words like lop off and cut in this story?
Hey, 60% of your dick is gone
and you haven't paid for your car, your cribs,
your food, or any girl you want to show what's left of your dick to.
Or any other everyday expense incurred by you, your mother,
Uncle Julius, or M-Chuck.
That's another 25% off your dick.
What you thinking now?
Maybe lop off was appropriate.
Put the family on salary, Cam.
Give 'em specific jobs.
Give 'em a chance to have some pride.
I'm not putting my mom to work.
Aunt Cassie's set. She's set.
But make M-Chuck your head of public relations.
- She's got the knack. - For doing stupid shit.
Well, you know, Missy can help her with that.
Uncle Julius, you tell him to be
your head of household executive assistant.
He should be my driver, too.
If you're okay with your car smelling like baby powder and Clubman.
I live with the dude, man. Smells like air to me now.
Just as long as we task them with specific responsibilities.
Okay? Make it clear.
They got to be fiscally responsible.
Come on, Cam.
All right. Okay.
But, please, man, let's pay them above market value.
Let's be way, way above market value.
Let's be generous. I'm trying to make them happy.
The way we do that is by making sure that we're never poor again.
Next time that we back in Dorchester,
it's because they're naming a street after you.
Naw, no, no.
Bad things happen on streets named after famous people.
Look at Martin Luther King Boulevard.
That road's like death row.
- So? - Naw.
Words out on the cancer ward.
You're about to get mobbed by bald, no-eyebrow kids.
Follow me.
Mm-mm-mm.
- We going to hell. - I'm sorry, were you talking?
I couldn't hear you over that ass.
All right, look, you're gonna get one of these every month.
Uncle J, this is for you. Here, Ma.
And M-Chuck.
Look, I appreciate all of you.
You helped get me to where I now am.
Just help me stay there.
Hallelujah! Shit!
Cam, is this serious?
- Oh, baby! - This serious?
What I'm gonna do with this?
- What? - I'm just kidding.
Reggie!
Oh, my God!
- There it is. There it is. - It's like Christmas, yo.
Listen up. Listen up. Listen up, now.
You three are the other corners at the base of the corporation of Cam.
You're important to this man.
The brand. The corporation.
Mary Charles, we think that public relations
is an area you could excel at.
You're personable, you're fun, you're friendly.
We'd like you to start taking charge there.
- It's true, sis. - I think I might just like that.
Uncle Julius, you will be in an official capacity
as head of household and executive assistant.
You know, I'm Cam's left-hand man.
Don't want to be the right one for obvious reasons.
Yo, I need a driver, too, Unc.
- Yes. - I'm driving everybody.
Let me get them keys to the Aston Martin.
Moms, your work is done.
Oh, baby.
Cam, you know I'm here to do it all.
Yeah, I know.
You know, visiting little Johnny made me realize
that life is short and we're lucky.
You know, you helped me make my luck.
We're gonna keep making it and spreading it. So...
Oh, you're gonna make me cry off my mascara.
You know what, nephew? I've always done well.
But this is gravy, nephew. Gravy, gravy, gravy.
That gravy.
People! People! Johnny woke up.
Wait, what?
Johnny woke up out of his coma.
He is alert, walking around, joking.
Yeah, dude, way to go.
His mother wants to bring him by and thank you in person.
They're letting dying kids walk out of the hospital now?
When they not at the moment dying.
Cousin, this is awesome.
I didn't do anything, though.
Baby, yes, you did.
You're the mysterious way in which the Lord shows up.
- Hallelujah! - I can't.
Look, tell him I got practice.
Yo, what are you talking about, little brother?
So wait, I'm supposed to lie to the resurrected kid
when all he wants to do is spend
one of his rare conscious hours with you?
Yes.
Can't I just tell Heather that they're welcome to stop by?
Cam, I could get some really good media footage.
- That's a great idea, M-Chuck. - Thank you.
All right, fine. Fine, yeah.
That's my community caring Cam.
Okay, everyone be on your best behavior.
Heather is bending the rules a little bit
by letting us do this, so we must be all class.
All right, you heard the lady.
Anything that does not make Cam look like the kindest,
cleanest, most generous professional athlete, out of sight.
So she's asking us to leave.
2:36 in the morning, Johnny sits up
and says, "Mama, I'm thirsty."
I brought him the largest glass of water he'd ever seen.
You need a wine cooler.
You look pretty good compared to yesterday, pal.
Thanks, man. When am I gonna learn how to dunk?
You could hear me when I was talking to you?
No, man, my mom told me.
You must have had a very, very long night.
But it's a joyous fatigue.
Those hospital chairs are far from cozy.
- You need to lie down, Mama. - You are so right, Cassie.
But we have imposed enough. We really should get going.
But wait, I haven't learned how to dunk yet.
Excuse me. Let's go, come on.
Johnny, you can come back tomorrow.
Tomorrow I could be back in a coma.
Think positive.
Thanks, I'll get on that.
Johnny, please.
You know, we should snap some photos.
Yes. Yes. And tomorrow I'll have a crew come down
and get some footage, help raise some awareness about your disorder.
Let's go, Ma.
Well, why don't you take him to the playground?
That's okay, but we really need to go pick up his sister.
Oh, no, why don't you leave Johnny here?
You go pick up your daughter.
By the time you get back, Johnny will be dunking.
- Yeah, Mom. Ma, yes. - No, really.
- I can't. - You will, okay?
You are not in charge of prayers being answered.
Look, you've been cooped up.
You need some fresh air yourself.
I'm the Calloway family driver.
Maybe I can offer my services to go pick up your daughter.
Maybe Vanessa would just like some alone time, Julius.
You know, actually, I would love an opportunity
to just kick back and let somebody else do the driving for a change.
And you know, the passenger seat kicks all the way back.
Does it? That'd be a real treat for me, Julius.
- You sure you don't mind? - That's my job.
Now don't get me fired.
We can do this tomorrow, too, Ma.
No, you heard what Johnny said.
It's not that I don't have faith that Johnny will kick this disorder.
He's gonna live a long, thriving life.
But why should we put off tomorrow what we could do today?
But you guys, you've done so much already.
This really is too much.
But you know what? Thank you.
All right, we're gonna go get her and come right back.
- You good? - Yeah, I'm fine, Ma.
- You deserve a break. - I'll see you fools in a bit.
Okay. All right, bye.
Okay, so where do we learn how to dunk?
Not so sure. Reggie?
You know, I'll start dinner.
I will help.
All right, let's... ahem...
- let's get on these dunks. - All right.
I'll throw the alley-oops.
- How much this house cost? - A lot of money.
Hey, Cam, I am so ready to take on PR.
I'm gonna do my part in this family above and beyond.
I'm gonna make you proud. Not like you're just carrying me.
You carried me for a long time.
How we gonna pull this dunking lesson off?
No fucking clue.
Hey, M-Chuck, grab some video.
ESPN will eat this shit up.
St. Cam Calloway on an all-day Sunday morning loop.
Yep.
What's your favorite dunk, Johnny?
How long you gonna keep this up?
I'm 5'8" and I was in a coma yesterday.
I can't dunk. You can't teach me.
Stop the lie.
I can hardly dunk myself.
I know. I've seen you play.
Hey, how about you guys play horse?
How about we cut the shit charade
and go eat what may be my last supper not fed through a tube?
Well, Johnny, we want to make your dream come true first.
My dream come true is to no longer have my brain feed on itself
until it eats a really important part and I shut down for good.
Praise God your prayer gets answered.
If God's who He's claiming to be, He's responsible.
He'll fix me or not.
He hasn't consulted with me and I'm done begging,
which is another word for praying.
That is some dark shit, yo.
Can you turn that phone off
and stop treating me like some zoo animal?
People want to know how you feel. Can we talk about it on camera?
Can you shut the fuck up?
Okay, Johnny, we're just trying to help.
Sounds like the fuck is still open. The fuck should be shut.
Shut the fuck or I'll shut it for you.
Johnny, my man,
what can we do that'll put a smile on your face?
Listen, get some strippers out here.
Pay 'em to go to town on one another.
- Okay, now you're talking. - It's not helping.
Listen, I want a piece of the life stars live off camera.
A piece of real balling to distract me from the life I'm dying.
Girls, clubs, money.
Oh, Cîroc.
It ain't all that.
Then please, carry on with this damn dunking lesson.
Come on, yeah. Let's go.
All right. Let's dunk away. Come on.
Dunky, dunky, dunky.
- I think his brain is going mushy. - You know what?
This is about you teary eyed on ESPN
telling the whole world you met a dying kid
so you seem like some great guy who deserves endorsement deals.
And I'm just a prop in your photo op.
It ain't my dreams you're making come true, it's yours.
You know what? Fuck you.
Hey, hey, look, Johnny, man.
- That's not the way it is. - No, it is.
The whole famous fucks granting dying wishes
don't even give kids hope.
It just gives them 10 minutes of distraction
from the fact they're gonna die.
I don't want distraction.
I want debauchery, man.
You want to play fairy fucking godfather?
Get me an eight-ball of blow,
some strippers, and show me how you ball, man.
- I know you be balling. - Johnny. Johnny.
- We can't do that. - I don't even do blow.
That ain't how I ball.
Take me to Magic City and bury my face in a bed full of pussy.
Young man, back in your coma.
Listen, get 'em for me or I'll be on ESPN telling the whole world
how you guys brought me out here and forcibly sodomized me.
And that story will have legs long after mine are six feet under.
Make some calls.
- Yo, we just got punked by a kid. - Motherfucker.
- Cold. - Not him, you.
- Me? - You made me go visit him.
Yo, if you weren't such a fucking pussy
about kids without eyebrows, I could have got you
a stage-5 cancer patient that would have never left the hospital.
"Build the brand," right? "Build the brand.
- We gonna go here, go there." - Fuck you, man.
Hey, manager, do your job and get the kid a face full of pussy.
You know what? Listen, I know some strippers.
- I'll call and set it up. - No, no. I got this.
I just got to get back to the apartment.
We'll figure something out before he does something that I can't fix.
Hey, I thought I was in charge of public relations.
Starting tomorrow.
Hey, can you hand me the remote?
I feel like I'm watching a screensaver.
Well, your mother will be back in about an hour.
Is there anything I can get you to drink?
Hennessy on the rocks.
Lemonade on the rocks, coming up.
And for dessert, s'mores.
So now you want me to go into a diabetic coma.
I know her as Mystery. I don't know her real name.
That's part of the mystery.
I need the girl that I know as Mystery
to bring a friend and do what she does.
How do you not know her real name?
Just a tip, start using her real name.
We're fucked.
What's the ETA on those strippers?
I ain't getting any more alive.
Down the hall, second door on the left.
Now.
I really needed this.
I never don't need it.
We really should go get my daughter, though.
I'm kinky, but not that kinky.
I meant after we were done.
Oh, okay. That'll be very soon.
Okay.
Shut the door and lock it.
Hey, you see the distance between you and me?
You keep that distance.
I'm gonna go into the bathroom to take a shower.
If I forget to close the door, that is what we call an opportunity.
An opportunity that will wipe our slate clean.
You're the nicest girl I've ever met.
Wait till you see my titties before you say that.
I'm very happy with them and many others have been,
but you may be disappointed.
- Can I touch 'em? - No!
- Why not? - Because I do not want to go to jail.
But the Georgia age of consent is 16.
- I don't trust the justice system. - I won't be alive to testify.
Hey, you little bastard, I'm about to show you my titties.
I've not shown mine to a guy in a long time.
Do you want to see them or not?
But my dream is to finally just touch them.
- Just... - You know what?
Your blackmailing, half-eaten brain don't even deserve this,
but I am giving you a mulligan because you've been under a lot of stress.
So sit down over there, shut up, and keep your hands to yourself.
And, hey, if they call you for dinner,
you run even if you got a full chub and it hurts to do it.
You run.
Now I feel bad.
You know what? You don't even have to do this.
Oh, I do.
Public relations is my job.
No, no, hands above your waist.
Johnny told me before dinner that we were all square.
Why do I feel like you have something to do with that?
My job has been protecting this family for a long time.
Be nice to that girl.
Oh, shit!
I didn't know Johnny very long,
but I can tell you I admired his bravery,
his poetic use of language,
and his uncanny ability to cut to the truth.
God bless you, Cam.
And all of the Calloways.
Every year after Johnny's diagnosis
was a bonus.
I thought he was gonna be lost to us forever
before your visit.
But he got a bonus day with you.
His last text to me that night was, "Mom,
no one is gonna believe what just happened.
This has been the greatest day of my life."
Your time with Johnny was absolutely a dream come true.
And that's why you honor him
by allowing us to bury him
in one of your sneakers.
He loved this shoe.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna pour it.
I'm just gonna place him.
There.
Watch Nike call tomorrow.
Ripped By mstoll